I like people. There are so many of us. We have varied likes, opinions, manners, characters, colours, habits et al. One thing that unites us regardless of borders or languages is the Greenwich Mean Time.

Borne of society’s ‘integrators’ efforts to standardise the length of 1 metre, the GMT is all you need to believe in to know that humanity is one united entity. Flights are on time, international calls are coordinated, stock markets, weather patterns the list goes on. Yet there are those among us who wreak havoc by destroying this wonderful order. This post is for all those lazy Einsteins. Did I say Einsteins? I meant bums… Lazy bums.

If you’re the sort of person who rides a motorbike on cross country trips but you don’t really understand why breakfasts are important and being fashionably late isn’t, here’s a satirical list of check-boxes to help you delay your rides more efficiently.

Efficient delay… Unbelievable what grammar allows us to do with words.

Make your own pannier

For a privileged few, to not carry cameras, GoPros, laptops and other electronics on a bike trip is sacrilege. Some riders are proficient enough at packing to ensure the safety of electronics in the monsoon. Laptops and water don’t really gel right? How can you – you lazy bum – delay these proficient people? Do nothing about rain-proofing your electronics for 2 months and on the eve of the ride, decide that you want to make a structure made of PVC tubes to protect your electronics. Spend hours taking measurements, cutting tubes and gluing everything together while your fellow riders look on with mild interest. There will be loopholes in your design which you’ll have to fix at the last minute thereby successfully delaying your ride.

Where’s my wallet?

This second one is for all you newbies riding newbikes. Once everyone has fired up their engines, forget where you kept your wallet and proceed to search inside your house (which you already locked), the saddle bags (which are rain proofed and take hours to open <refer point 1>), search the ground, search the house again and then ask your friends to check their pockets which initiates a total memory recall and you remember that your wallet is in a pocket of the jacket which you’ve been wearing for the last 30 minutes. Thank me later.

Take a #Selfie

Yes. #selfie. Yep. A-1 first class technique and it will work every single time. If you ride with people who believe in the power of the group and never leave anyone behind then this is THE best way to hold up the ride. You also get chucked out of the group once the ride is over but that’s a different matter.

Don’t pack effectively

If you’ve been riding with luggage in saddle bags and tank bags, you’ll know what I’m talking about. Imagine you’re riding along on an open highway nowhere near anywhere when a random nail on the road decides it doesn’t like your bike’s tires and then does this:

Rip Zap
Rip Zap

What do you do? Whip out the puncture repair kit of course. Where is it? Bottom of your saddle bag. Lets get it out then! All of your luggage gets wet because its raining. Delayed successfully. Thumb rule: most useful items at the bottom of your luggage pile.

Moar butt breaks

It happens to all of us sooner or later. Sore backsides, lack of blood circulation, sensitive cheeks, whatever you prefer to call it. What you want to do is to buy a bike with the hardest seat in the business and then embark on a ride which covers half the state in one day. People from small states can ignore this point and focus on repeating point 3. Call for a butt break every 20 minutes. Incorporate a chiggy wiggy dance routine into the break saying it helps your back. Check out this video. Based on your dancing skill, you may be able to waste up to 20% of the ride time using this technique.

If you’ve got better ideas to delay bike rides then clearly I’m riding with the correct group of people. Feel free to comment your ideas though!